Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
be right there i have to get my cape
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
