I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
