I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
