Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
