I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
