Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just cropdusted the office
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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