Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
