she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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