the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
