Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
