So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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