seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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