Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am available for nakedness
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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