it's too hot outside to masturbate.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
