Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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