if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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