My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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