Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
