I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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