Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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