you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
