god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
