What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
