How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
