my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I am spending my child support on dildos
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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