So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
