you turned your livingroom into a bong?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
should my penis look like a turkey
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
