My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
