omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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