so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
