Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
