cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
