hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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