I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
