Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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