Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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