I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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