party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
