I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
