White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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