I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
