I can text with my tongue
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
