pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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