too bad you live with your parents still
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
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