So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So apparently I’m into choking now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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