he shaved USA in his pubs
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
