Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
