if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
