I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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