I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
