I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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