at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
