I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
