Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
