the condom got lost in my hair
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
