dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
