Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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