I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
