he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
