The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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