My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
