I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
